everyone. I hope that we may learn something from this story.
-------------------------------------------------------
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking
Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years
with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young.
Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide
for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that
she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a
woman to bring hubby to where he is today.
I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a
balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant
greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me
up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me
down, he said: "Let's go fetch mother".
Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy
the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me
into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to
back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously
until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of
panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her.
For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living
room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you
young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also
can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the
house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble
away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly
you will get used to it". Mother stopped saying anything.
But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would
ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and
express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping
bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would
tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby
playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell
her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the
friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the
breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the
wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like
the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to
notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it
as her silent protest.
As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from
a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of
that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I
turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon
her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep
all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them
later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash
bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash
the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash
them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and
"Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.
Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not
speak to me for that entire night.
I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally
ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby
stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We
couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is,
right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not
speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling
hanging in the house.
During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who
to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast,
mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without
any prompting.
At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his
breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to
perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast
situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.
That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD,
is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you
chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me
alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me.. After some
time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?"
I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt
a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing
up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could
not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited
everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying
and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the
washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I
opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us,
then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me
a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For
three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so
furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting
up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep
having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for
food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low
point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible;
you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am
pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense
of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't
hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the
possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital
entrance, I saw my hubby standing there.
It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to
turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't
resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found
me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted
look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to
look at him anymore, and hail a cab.
At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my
hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and
spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I
sat in the cab, my tears
started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the
test of one fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted
look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That
night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the
lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face.
He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me,
took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he
really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut
in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting
streaming down again.
The next day, I did not go to work... I wanted to clear this out and
have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary
gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic
accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed
to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already
passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I
looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the
tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen?
Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with
only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out
brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after
mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop,
apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the
countryside.
As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to
cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood
how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if
we had not quarrelled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer
of his mother.
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong
liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity
and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we
are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in
his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back
in.
I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough
scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at
all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by,
hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we
were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am
like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass
window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very
lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After
recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood
in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes.
I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything.
The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go,
hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,
challenging me.
I can only hear my slow heartbeat, beating, one by one as if at the
brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any
longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.
That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way
to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each
other.
He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned
home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had
returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the
initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.
I lived alone; I go for my medical check-ups alone, my heart breaks
again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife
through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to
consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not... I insisted
on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for
causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The
whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table,
there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without
even looking at it.
In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to
find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said:
"You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in
his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to
myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but
I refused to let tears come out from there.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging
tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper
towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on
it and pushed the paper to him.
"LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first
time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they
fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He
did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart,
everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could
never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry"
to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I
can't.
In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in
his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in
each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally
intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but
I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not
repeated.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some
warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat
anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I
stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of
paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.
Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks
in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep
in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of
groaning, I kept quiet... This used to be his trick; last time,
whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and
find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh.
He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned
because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's
groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.
Almost every day, he would buy something for the baby, infant
products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and
bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is
trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his
actions.
He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his
typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web
surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one
late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came
rushing into the room, it's like he did not change and sleep, and had
been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs,
stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat
off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital.
Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the
delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a
thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as
much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go
in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my
contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our
son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling.
I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and
then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in
pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had
thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I
have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.
Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it
was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to
last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had
cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying:
"Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his
room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's
cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had
thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote
for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take
a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now.... I know that in
your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if
only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it
be.
But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here
all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during
your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to
daddy's suggestion ... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I
feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey.
To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has
suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves
me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary,
university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love,
everything big and small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me: "My dear, to marry you is my
biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive
me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a
joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you
cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you
for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our
son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every
year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the
packaging... "
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son
over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I
want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He
struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in
his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the
button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air
as tears slowly rolled down my face....
A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this
world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another
disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend
of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her
remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is
finally revealed at a price, everything became too late.".........
This is a true story from LD
LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!
